My boss' voice literally gives me gas
please come you make the beer taste better
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
