Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
