True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
