I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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