So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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