I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
