R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
