I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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