don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
