and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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