I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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