I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Randomize
