I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
