Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
