My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
