Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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