So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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