so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
