Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
