I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
