You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
