Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm having to shit out rocks
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
