nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
