she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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