I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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