So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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