mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
