just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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