I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
