Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
