All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
