I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
