Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
