Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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