you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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