I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
