Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I have fence marks all over my body
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
