I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
