I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
