Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
