I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
