I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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