Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
