i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just high enough for therapy.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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