you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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