I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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