So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
