I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
