escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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