Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
