I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
