i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
