My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
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It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
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I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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