Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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