I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I need to stop coming to work sober
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
