I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
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Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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